The Impaler For President 2008
P.O. Box 1631
Toms River, New Jersey, 08754
4 Sept 07
US Department Of Justice
Attn: Criminal Division
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530
RE: Meranda ***********
and the domestic terrorist group
known as Vampyre Hunters she belongs to.
To Whom It May Concern,
Per my conversation this morning with a member of your staff, I am writing to request your office investigate and then prosecute my former girlfriend Meranda ********* of; of **** ****** Street, SW, Rochester, Minnesota, 55902 (***) ***-**** and (***) ***-**** for being part of a domestic terrorist group who have repeatedly threaten to assassinate me for almost two years now.
If you are unaware of who I am, my name is; Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey. I am the 2008 VWP Party Presidential Candidate (see ABC News and Time Magazine stories on me in attachments). According to some Democrat Party Web sites, some Dems are trying to have me be appoint as the next US Attorney General. This means, though the chances are slim, I may become your boss!
As you are aware from the stories, I am a Vampyre. The society responsible for making these threats against me are professed Vampyre Hunters. Meranda has admitted to being part of this group (see emails dated; 15 Aug 07, 20 Aug 07, and 24 Aug 07). According to her, a friend of Meranda’s named Michael from California, may be assisting her in trying to assassinate me. Additionally, I have reasons to believe that Meranda’s parents (Clayton D. and Amy L.) are also involved in conspiring to assassinate me. On Friday, 24 Aug 07 her father Clayton called me on my cell phone and threatened me.
I developed arsenic poisoning on 15 Aug 07, the same day she admitted to being a member of this group.
I and my half-sister have repeatedly asked Meranda to supply the names and locations of her fellow Vampyre Hunters. She was repeatedly refused. Meranda has informed me, that she would file charges against me and my sister for harassment with the Rochester Police Department, if I continued to question her about the hunters.
As a result of Meranda’s actions, I have addressed this matter with Rochester Police Sergeant Elisa Umpierre, and supplied her with Meranda’s emails. Though I have informed Sgt. Umpierre that Meranda’s actions violate the Patriot Act, she refuses to act upon them.