Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Staying True To My Word

Though I truly Love Meranda, spending passionate nights with a female Vampyre this weekend, has forced me to do what I had hoped I'd never do.
Below is the letter I just sent to the US Depratment Of Justice Criminal Division;
Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey
The Impaler For President 2008
P.O. Box 1631
Toms River, New Jersey, 08754
(732) 300-4275

4 Sept 07

US Department Of Justice
Attn: Criminal Division
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530

RE: Meranda ***********
and the domestic terrorist group
known as Vampyre Hunters she belongs to.

To Whom It May Concern,

Per my conversation this morning with a member of your staff, I am writing to request your office investigate and then prosecute my former girlfriend Meranda ********* of; of **** ****** Street, SW, Rochester, Minnesota, 55902 (***) ***-**** and (***) ***-**** for being part of a domestic terrorist group who have repeatedly threaten to assassinate me for almost two years now.

If you are unaware of who I am, my name is; Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey. I am the 2008 VWP Party Presidential Candidate (see ABC News and Time Magazine stories on me in attachments). According to some Democrat Party Web sites, some Dems are trying to have me be appoint as the next US Attorney General. This means, though the chances are slim, I may become your boss!

As you are aware from the stories, I am a Vampyre. The society responsible for making these threats against me are professed Vampyre Hunters. Meranda has admitted to being part of this group (see emails dated; 15 Aug 07, 20 Aug 07, and 24 Aug 07). According to her, a friend of Meranda’s named Michael from California, may be assisting her in trying to assassinate me. Additionally, I have reasons to believe that Meranda’s parents (Clayton D. and Amy L.) are also involved in conspiring to assassinate me. On Friday, 24 Aug 07 her father Clayton called me on my cell phone and threatened me.

I developed arsenic poisoning on 15 Aug 07, the same day she admitted to being a member of this group.

I and my half-sister have repeatedly asked Meranda to supply the names and locations of her fellow Vampyre Hunters. She was repeatedly refused. Meranda has informed me, that she would file charges against me and my sister for harassment with the Rochester Police Department, if I continued to question her about the hunters.

As a result of Meranda’s actions, I have addressed this matter with Rochester Police Sergeant Elisa Umpierre, and supplied her with Meranda’s emails. Though I have informed Sgt. Umpierre that Meranda’s actions violate the Patriot Act, she refuses to act upon them.
Not only am I a Presidential Candidate being threaten, but I am a victim of having my Civil Rights violated by those who profess hatred towards Vampyres. These people actions are surely a violation of the Patriot Act. I will be in DC the beginning of October for the showing of Impaler (http://www.impalerthemovie.com/) the movie documentary made about my run last year for Governor of Minnesota.
Additionally by months end, I will be addressing the General Assembly at the United Nations. One of the matters I will address in my speech is how my kind are easy prey for hunters, prejudice and lack of protection from the Bush Administration.
I hope you will take the proper approach to this matter of not only threats being made to me, but my Constitutional Rights being violated as well.
If I was the AG right now, you’d be ordering the FBI to arrest Meranda, Sgt. Umpierre, and all hunters who attack Vampyres, Witches along with other non-Christian based religions.
I await your response. Please know the media is well aware of this matter. I have interviews with numerous US as well as International media groups (Russia, Germany, France, Switzerland…) to address my being victimized by these domestic terrorist groups.
Nel Sangue,
Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D.


Anonymous said...

Lord Sharkey:

Your plight has not gone unnoticed. As the Queen Vampyer of Denver I have issued an edict which states: "That all Vampyre Hunters, (when found) shall and will be turned into local authorities for prosecution as domestic terriorists". Together we can will make a difference!

Yours in Blood - All Hail Nyx
Danelle Dragonetti - Queen Vampyre Of Denver

Jonathon The Impaler said...

My Dearest Queen Danelle,

Thank you for your kind words. Together standing strong and above all united, we can accomplish anything.

The Vampyre Community in Denver is Blessed to have you.

Nel Sangue,

Jonathon "The Impaler"

The Pagan Temple said...

Yeah, a 43 year old "Vampyre" with a sixteen year old girlfriend-that'll get you tons of votes for president.

Is that her in the picture "Princess Of My Heart"? Wow, she is kind of cute. What are your pet nicknames for each other, Barbie and Ken?

I got your blog on my blogroll. You're hilarious. I still think you should hold a national drawing for your VP. But, I don't guess I can blame you for being afraid to do it. After all, if you did something that off the wall, people might not take you seriously.

Jonathon The Impaler said...

Meranda is actually 15. She'll be 16 the end of the month.

Unlike most politicians, I am staying true to my word, as far as having her prosecuted for stating she is part of a group that has not only threatened to kill me, but other Vampyres as well.

No, we did not have pet names like Barbie and Ken.

Nel Sangue,

Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey

PS At least you realized she is very beautiful. The young Vampyre I spent the weekend with was my (former) 19 year old wife Spree.